Silent departures

     Fortunately, very few people up and leave Pagan groups without at least saying goodbye. When they do, we need to remember that even their silence may not be about us. Pressures from outside the group, from situations, events and responsibilities having nothing to do with the group, may be so emotionally draining as to lead someone to silently depart because she or he simply doesn’t have the emotional resources to make any sort of parting statement at all.

     A silent departure may be even harder for a group to handle than angry walkouts complete with nasty exit fights. The ambiguity posed by a silent departure may weaken the group’s sense of identity and the clarity of its boundaries. A strong need for collective closure may develop.
 

Inability to discuss the reasons for leaving

• the member is averse to conflict because of previous trauma in their personal history. Something troubling happened, so they just quietly left;
• the member may have felt uncomfortable in the face of social or sexual pressure from another member or the group;
• the member may have contracted an illness about which they feel profoundly embarrassed; or perhaps a spouse or a child has taken ill;
• marital difficulties may have erupted for the member. An angry spouse may have forbidden further contact with any of the group’s members or leaders;
• the member got fired from a job for cause, or lost a substantial amount of money gambling. They cannot afford to travel to meetings and is now too ashamed to admit why not;
• They can’t continue in the group for reasons entirely beyond their control. The member sees this as shamefully breaking a commitment, and so chooses to avoid embarrassment by just disappearing. This is the introvert’s equivalent of an exit fight.

      However, the very possibility itself can certainly be foreseen, and perhaps best addressed in the group’s opening ‘ground rules’ by making it plain to new members that departure without notice is rude and that ‘no shame, no blame’ departures are certainly an option for any member at any time.

Dealing with the leader's feelings of confusion or rejection

     Reactions like these are normal and understandable. We are not in some way unworthy as leaders for feeling confused and rejected. In time, as the feelings settle, we can begin to figure out what we might have done differently under the circumstances. We can try to change our ways so as to reduce the possibility of this happening again. But if nothing we did caused the silent departure, then nothing we can change will completely prevent others in the future.

Managing the situation: reaching out

     Still, it is natural for us to care about missing members, to want to make sure that all is well with them, to know whether their departure highlights any correctable problems in our group.

     Try to contact the absent members to find out what’s happening. But don’t pressure or harass them. Respect any limits they had previously set on contact -- for example, they may have asked you not to discuss Pagan business on their office phone. Judy thinks it’s best to begin with the phone calls and e-mails we usually use these days. Paper letters seem so official and intimidating now that we mostly only get them from bureaucrats and lawyers. Gwyneth disagrees, feeling that high-tech communication tends to be more invasive. She notes that a person can wait to open a letter till they feel able to deal with its content.

      Both of us suggest that if missing persons do not respond to your more casual efforts at contact, you should write a gently worded letter to them, explaining your need for clarification and understanding. If they were valuable members, you may want to offer the option of a leave of absence.
 

How much effort is appropriate?

• How hard do you or the group really want to try? How badly will you miss this person? Frankly, there are some members who, while they do nothing wrong, just don’t fit. You may be happy to see them go in peace, saving face for all concerned.
• Harassment means repeated and unwelcome attempts at contact. Don’t harass someone. If you don’t receive any response, or don’t like the response you received. Don’t stalk them.
• Don’t attempt to cajole a disaffected person to return to your group. Basic respect demands that you be willing to take ‘no’ for an answer.
• Some traditions call for holding a space open for a departed member for a year and a day. In the absence of a waiting list, this might be a reasonable amount of time to allow any member who left without prejudice to return without re-application. You might want to make some such grace period, of whatever length seems reasonable to you, an explicit part of your group’s rules.
• If the group has a waiting list for membership, a silent departure puts you into a special quandary: how long do you hold the space open when this means keeping someone else out? Trying to be fair to both the absent member and the eager seeker may create pressure to act hastily in a variety of ways. Please take the very fact that you have a waiting list as a reminder to proceed with care and deliberation.
• On the other hand, the fact that others are waiting for this place probably means that you should give the missing person a generous but explicit time limit to respond to your letter. Do explain the reason for this time limit. If you haven’t heard from them by then, it’s fair to consider them gone. If they eventually want to return, it’s fair to put them at the end of your waiting list.
• If the person ever does re-apply to your group, you will want a full explanation -- not just of why they left, but of why they failed to give notice. Most important: look in to why they feel ready -- and called -- to resume working with your group. What has changed for them? Do consider any extenuating circumstances, as well as the person’s prior value to the group and apparent growth during their absence, in deciding whether to have them back.

Resolution

Lessons learned

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